Deployment.
Yes, the word that has made me shiver for months is now a part of my vocabulary. I had this terrible fear that once we were moved to wherever Mike's duty station would be, that he would be deployed soon after. Well, my worst fear is staring back at me, but now, it's a reality.
He leaves sometime in the spring. Unbelievable. We are finally a family again, and my husband is being sent to a far off place. He will miss so much; holidays, birthdays, our anniversary, a whole year of events and day to day life without him.
So how do I feel? Numb.
My response to hearing the news was anger. I was mad. How could the army do this to our family? He's already been gone for seven months, a month longer than he was supposed to be gone for. I was mad for an hour or so. Not that anyone knew. My insides were having a battle with the news. I didn't want to believe it. Surely there must be some mistake; afterall, we just moved here!
After I cooled off, I began to realize that this is what he has trained for. This is his job. This is what he does. Then I thought of the families of soldiers that his unit would be relieving, and I began to think how happy they will be when their loved ones are on U.S. soil again.
Everyday since we got the news has been one of emotion. I am incredibly proud of my husband. I am proud that he is willing to do what he has to do to take care of our family. He is committed to serving our nation and for that I am grateful as well. I have cried. I have walked up to Mike will he was busy and said, "Babe, I just need a hug." That seems to be our code for...deployment is on my mind right now. We stand for a few seconds in each other's embrace trying to soak up as much as we can, realizing that it will be gone all too soon and that we are lucky people for having each other to hold on to.
There are lots of advice givers in the Army. Sometimes it seems helpful but often it is odd. Every couple has their own way of dealing with separation, and we will deal with it in time. Our journey is different from anyone else's.
I am asked so many times by "people who mean well"...how are you going to manage? are you going to move home? how can you just let him leave?
I have no choice in that my husband has to leave. In fact, he has no choice. But we have the opportunity to learn and grow even during what will be a difficult, lonely time in our lives.
So what is on my mind right now? Well, we have lots to do before Christmas Eve. Mike has invited friends to join us for Christmas Dinner on Saturday, and um...oh yah...we're still unpacking boxes.
When the hard times come, I hope I'll remember that this is only a chapter in our lives, it will not define us.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
So...we made it!
We officially live in Texas. I promised myself after several visits to Longview, Texas as a teenager, that I would never go back to Texas. Wow....serious curveball in my life....never saw it coming. Military lifestyle and ....well....Texas. It's really, really big and barren, but there is a certain beauty to it. We drove through the city of Houston on our way to Fort Hood, and I'll admit it, it was beautiful. The weather is decent. I do however miss the green of Florida. The tan and brown colors everywhere are shocking to my system; as is the wind due to no trees...I miss trees...lol! Overall we are settling in well and adjusting nicely. I look forward to some four day weekends to go explore more of Texas.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Fantastic Week
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Cloud 9
I must admit that I didn't think that I would hear from Mike until I was standing by his side on Family Day at Fort Jackson. BUT!!!! Tonight I was able to talk with him for 27 minutes. There is nothing like falling in love with your man all over again. I have had the biggest cheshire cat smile on my face since I heard him say, "Hey, Babe!" Yes, the butterflies are back in my stomach and that nervous feeling that I had when we were dating is here once again. This time, it is deeper and more overwhelming than ever before. Amazing that after six and a half years of marriage to this man, I love him more passionately than ever, and I know that he feels the same way about me. Isn't it wonderful to hear how much your husband loves you in his voice? Nothing makes my heart happier. I'm on Cloud 9.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
It's Been Five Weeks...
Today marks five weeks since I talked to my husband on the phone. Mother's Day was the last day that I spoke to him. I am missing my best friend, husband, and lover terribly. I knew going into this new life that things would be different. But, I didn't know how hard this separation would be. I am eagerly looking forward to seeing him in two and a half weeks. Just being together, seeing him face to face, gazing into his eyes,and hearing his voice will be a welcome relief. Thankfully, there is an end to his basic training in sight.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Marvelous Mother's Day
Had such a joyful day. I enjoyed being with my wonderful children on this special day. I also was surprised to get a phone call from my soldier. We are missing him terribly, but hearing his voice will get us through another few days. I couldn't have asked for more.
Monday, May 3, 2010
No more "cookie"cereal
Today, I was reminded of a profound lesson through my daughter's breakfast cereal.
My husband had bought her cereal that look like tiny cookies before he left. She had the last bowl of that kind yesterday morning. This morning she wanted cereal, again, but there was no more "cookie cereal".
"Mommy will get you some cereal, Emma, but it's a new kind." (Cinnamon Toast Crunch to be exact)
I poured a bowl of it for her and put in on the table. She eyed it and said, "Momma...cookie cereal."
"Try this kind it's very yummy. You will like it, I promise."
She started making a fussy noise. "Emma, this is the new cereal. Try it. Don't fuss. Just try it."
I walked out of the room to get Jensen and when I returned...she was munching happily on the "new cereal."
What a great reminder for me during these big changes. It's not the old "cereal" that I loved, but it's very yummy and "You will like it, I promise."
Never thought in my wildest dreams that I'd be a military wife. Seriously, if someone would have said on my wedding day that in six years, Mike would be in basic training, I would have laughed and said that they're nuts.
Yet, here we are. Six years and two children later...an Army family.
So, I'm taking small bites of this new "cereal", still not sure that I'll like it. Hopefully, I will.
My husband had bought her cereal that look like tiny cookies before he left. She had the last bowl of that kind yesterday morning. This morning she wanted cereal, again, but there was no more "cookie cereal".
"Mommy will get you some cereal, Emma, but it's a new kind." (Cinnamon Toast Crunch to be exact)
I poured a bowl of it for her and put in on the table. She eyed it and said, "Momma...cookie cereal."
"Try this kind it's very yummy. You will like it, I promise."
She started making a fussy noise. "Emma, this is the new cereal. Try it. Don't fuss. Just try it."
I walked out of the room to get Jensen and when I returned...she was munching happily on the "new cereal."
What a great reminder for me during these big changes. It's not the old "cereal" that I loved, but it's very yummy and "You will like it, I promise."
Never thought in my wildest dreams that I'd be a military wife. Seriously, if someone would have said on my wedding day that in six years, Mike would be in basic training, I would have laughed and said that they're nuts.
Yet, here we are. Six years and two children later...an Army family.
So, I'm taking small bites of this new "cereal", still not sure that I'll like it. Hopefully, I will.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Goodbye April, Hello May!
I'm not one for rushing a month to go by. I'm not one who wants things to go faster, for the minutes we have seem to go too quickly already. However, I am delighted to welcome May into my life. It's one month closer to seeing my husband again. In 61 days, hopefully, I'll be engulfed in his arms once again.
This only makes me treasure the fact that he's alive and well all the more. I think now to soldiers wives and families who won't see their loved ones on this earth again. I am grateful that my soldier is doing well and with the exception of some sores, that he is healthy and happy.
The end of April also brings the reminder that my son has been on earth for 22 days. I am enjoying every minute of my time with him. All these newborn moments will be gone soon, and though I can't wait for July 1st to come, I am content to hold my children in my arms and enjoy every single minute that we're together.
Odd how this hard time in my life has taught me to slow down and relish the simple things that matter most. Pushing my daughter on a swing, brings contentment that I never knew before. Swaddling my son in a blanket reminds me that I'm in my Father's arms. The little things that get pushed aside for bigger problems really are the source of comfort that I crave.
I am appreciative of the moments that I have been given. There's a song on Meet the Robinson's (Disney movie) that says it best..."Let it Go, Let it it roll right off your shoulder. Don't you know, the hardest part is over. Let it in. Let your clarity define you in the end. You will only just remember how this feels.
Our lives are made with these small hours, these little wonders...." I'm sure that some of the words in the song are different than that, but that's what I hear, anyway. :)
This only makes me treasure the fact that he's alive and well all the more. I think now to soldiers wives and families who won't see their loved ones on this earth again. I am grateful that my soldier is doing well and with the exception of some sores, that he is healthy and happy.
The end of April also brings the reminder that my son has been on earth for 22 days. I am enjoying every minute of my time with him. All these newborn moments will be gone soon, and though I can't wait for July 1st to come, I am content to hold my children in my arms and enjoy every single minute that we're together.
Odd how this hard time in my life has taught me to slow down and relish the simple things that matter most. Pushing my daughter on a swing, brings contentment that I never knew before. Swaddling my son in a blanket reminds me that I'm in my Father's arms. The little things that get pushed aside for bigger problems really are the source of comfort that I crave.
I am appreciative of the moments that I have been given. There's a song on Meet the Robinson's (Disney movie) that says it best..."Let it Go, Let it it roll right off your shoulder. Don't you know, the hardest part is over. Let it in. Let your clarity define you in the end. You will only just remember how this feels.
Our lives are made with these small hours, these little wonders...." I'm sure that some of the words in the song are different than that, but that's what I hear, anyway. :)
Monday, April 26, 2010
This is so overdue, It's pathetic!
Ha! Keeping up with a blog is alot more work than I ever imagined. Not an easy task for sure...
My son, Jensen Micheal, was born 18 days ago. Incredibly, we (Emma, Jensen and I ) have gone without our Daddy and my Husband for 12 days. That is the longest separation that Mike and I have had in over six years. We are missing him terribly, but we are becoming stronger as a temporarily no daddy family. I am hating it though. I struggle with tears on a daily basis, but I at least got to talk to him yesterday. He was allowed 10 minutes on the phone (his platoon got 10 minutes instead of the usual 3 minutes because they are the best in the company... Cool!)
He plans to graduate from Basic training on July 2nd. He should get a family day on the 1st and I'm looking forward to that day with every fiber of my being.
More soon when I have more time. :)
My son, Jensen Micheal, was born 18 days ago. Incredibly, we (Emma, Jensen and I ) have gone without our Daddy and my Husband for 12 days. That is the longest separation that Mike and I have had in over six years. We are missing him terribly, but we are becoming stronger as a temporarily no daddy family. I am hating it though. I struggle with tears on a daily basis, but I at least got to talk to him yesterday. He was allowed 10 minutes on the phone (his platoon got 10 minutes instead of the usual 3 minutes because they are the best in the company... Cool!)
He plans to graduate from Basic training on July 2nd. He should get a family day on the 1st and I'm looking forward to that day with every fiber of my being.
More soon when I have more time. :)
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Life As I Know It...Is Changing
Today, I'm feeling very pregnant...exhausted and moody are the best words to describe what I'm feeling. Despite my plans and hopes, my live as I know it is changing without my permission. Odd, isn't it that you see how your life will unfold and then all of a sudden drastic things come and knock you over. When you get up, not only can you not tell where you are, but also you can't find your expertly laid out path.
Mike and I have always been planners and dreamers. Talking incessantly about our hopes and goals, we've always tried to follow what we thought was good advice and what was "God's will" for our lives. Turns out, out carefully laid out plans were all for nothing.
Mike is joining the Army. He leaves for basic training on April 14th. Six days after my schedule c-section, my husband will leave for six months. I'm tearing up now. No, this is not a surprise to me, but the way people look at me when we tell them what we're doing makes me feel vulnerable and downhearted.
"Are you okay with that?" they usually ask...the first question everytime to be exact.
My immediate response in my brain is to say "Of course, you idiot. I'm thrilled that this is what's happening to us. I'm overjoyed that my husband will be gone for six months. I'm delighted to have a two year old and a newborn to parent by myself. Screw you."
But, that probably wouldn't go over so well. So my real response is to hold back the tears and say, "We're in this together." My cousin, Danelle (also and Army wife) gave me some amazing advice months ago. She said that she would rather live her life with her husband even if he were to have to leave her some, than not be a part of his life at all. That is the truth.
Although we have encountered some major curveballs over the last two years, Mike and I are still happier together than we would be apart. We love eachother. We are best friends. We are true soulmates.
Thankfully, there are a number of things that I remember on days like today. One, I am blessed with a Heavenly Father Who is there. I may not feel like He's listening or paying attention, but my faith tells me He's there.
Two, I am desperately in love with my husband. Six years of marriage and I still crave his presence. I still love him with every fiber of my being.
Three, I am the mother of a wonderful two year old daughter, who although, right now is struggling with a cold and some allergies, is healthy and amazing. She has brought so much joy to our lives.
Four, I am expecting a healthy, baby boy in six days. After a relitively uneventful pregnancy, I am ready to have him here.
There are many more things that help my outlook become sunny again. On days that look bleek and depressing, I have learned to let myself cry it out, go to my special "thankful" thoughts, and continue on.
Mike and I have always been planners and dreamers. Talking incessantly about our hopes and goals, we've always tried to follow what we thought was good advice and what was "God's will" for our lives. Turns out, out carefully laid out plans were all for nothing.
Mike is joining the Army. He leaves for basic training on April 14th. Six days after my schedule c-section, my husband will leave for six months. I'm tearing up now. No, this is not a surprise to me, but the way people look at me when we tell them what we're doing makes me feel vulnerable and downhearted.
"Are you okay with that?" they usually ask...the first question everytime to be exact.
My immediate response in my brain is to say "Of course, you idiot. I'm thrilled that this is what's happening to us. I'm overjoyed that my husband will be gone for six months. I'm delighted to have a two year old and a newborn to parent by myself. Screw you."
But, that probably wouldn't go over so well. So my real response is to hold back the tears and say, "We're in this together." My cousin, Danelle (also and Army wife) gave me some amazing advice months ago. She said that she would rather live her life with her husband even if he were to have to leave her some, than not be a part of his life at all. That is the truth.
Although we have encountered some major curveballs over the last two years, Mike and I are still happier together than we would be apart. We love eachother. We are best friends. We are true soulmates.
Thankfully, there are a number of things that I remember on days like today. One, I am blessed with a Heavenly Father Who is there. I may not feel like He's listening or paying attention, but my faith tells me He's there.
Two, I am desperately in love with my husband. Six years of marriage and I still crave his presence. I still love him with every fiber of my being.
Three, I am the mother of a wonderful two year old daughter, who although, right now is struggling with a cold and some allergies, is healthy and amazing. She has brought so much joy to our lives.
Four, I am expecting a healthy, baby boy in six days. After a relitively uneventful pregnancy, I am ready to have him here.
There are many more things that help my outlook become sunny again. On days that look bleek and depressing, I have learned to let myself cry it out, go to my special "thankful" thoughts, and continue on.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Bye, House
So, life as I knew it has changed drastically.
Not only is the unknown scary and uncertain, but it is exciting and uninhibiting.
No one likes change, but is life.
No one plans for changes, they just seem to happen with little warning.
Two weeks ago, we moved our little family into a very small but cozy house.
Now, mind you, this house is no looker from the outside. It is still in bad shape. But the inside, with it's fresh coat of homemade vanilla ice cream colored walls, new carpet, and brand new kitchen is warm and inviting.
With lots of work to be done, I'm counting down the weeks until the birth of our son. Wondering, secretly to Mike..."Will I be sane after all this?" I'm sure most moms wonder that though.
I'm constantly trying to make all those little, annoying decisions in our lives such as; which twin size bed to get for Emma, what decor is going to work with a shared brother and sister room, and even as minute as, what kind of dish soap to get. Yes, lots of small decisions to make on a daily basis that if left unchecked would cause chaos in the weeks to come. Odd, isn't it the strange reality that a newborn brings; the feeling of nothing in life is truly as important as rocking your baby to sleep or just gazing at him as he naps.
So the countdown begins, six weeks to go.
Six weeks to unpack as much as possible.
Six weeks to finish the outside of the house.
Six weeks to bring some kind of organization to the kids room.
Seven weeks until more changes.
And oh, what changes are in store for our growing family...more to come on that later.
Not only is the unknown scary and uncertain, but it is exciting and uninhibiting.
No one likes change, but is life.
No one plans for changes, they just seem to happen with little warning.
Two weeks ago, we moved our little family into a very small but cozy house.
Now, mind you, this house is no looker from the outside. It is still in bad shape. But the inside, with it's fresh coat of homemade vanilla ice cream colored walls, new carpet, and brand new kitchen is warm and inviting.
With lots of work to be done, I'm counting down the weeks until the birth of our son. Wondering, secretly to Mike..."Will I be sane after all this?" I'm sure most moms wonder that though.
I'm constantly trying to make all those little, annoying decisions in our lives such as; which twin size bed to get for Emma, what decor is going to work with a shared brother and sister room, and even as minute as, what kind of dish soap to get. Yes, lots of small decisions to make on a daily basis that if left unchecked would cause chaos in the weeks to come. Odd, isn't it the strange reality that a newborn brings; the feeling of nothing in life is truly as important as rocking your baby to sleep or just gazing at him as he naps.
So the countdown begins, six weeks to go.
Six weeks to unpack as much as possible.
Six weeks to finish the outside of the house.
Six weeks to bring some kind of organization to the kids room.
Seven weeks until more changes.
And oh, what changes are in store for our growing family...more to come on that later.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
UGH!!!!
Anyone else have a relative or friend that has unlimited advice and wisdom concerning YOUR children?
While I'll admit that I have given parental advice without being asked, I can tell you that it wasn't obnoxious and overbearing.
Today, I am complaining and whining online about those who are close to me who had perfect children (supposedly) and who never needed advice or help with parenting.
Yes, I am breaking my silence.
Yes, I am creating a scene...somewhat.
I am tired of hearing how your son walked at 12 mos...
I am tired of hearing how your son was potty trained as soon as he was born (now, I'm just exaggerating, I'll admit it)
I know that my daughter isn't potty trained yet.
I know that I let her walk on our sectional sofa.
I know that I let her play with our coasters.
I know that she loves to play with toys on the furniture.
I have taught her to not touch the electric outlets (even though I have cover on them)
I have taught her to be lovey dovey (and on purpose)
No, I hate the outfit you bought her, even though I pretend to love it. (she looks like an eighties exerciser in it)
No, I don't plan on potty training her until she's ready.
No, I won't stop her from handing tools to her daddy to pretend that she's "helping".
Yes, I do think that books are grand.
Yes, I do think that leaving a baby alone with a bottle in it's mouth isn't good parenting. (occasionally required, but not EVERY TIME)
Yes, I do let my daughter drink from a cup even though I know that she'll make a mess.
Yes, I do give my daughter attention when she needs it, even if it means getting off the phone from talking to you.
Yes, I do read baby books and research parenting online.
No, I am not willing to have a "stick my head in the sand" approach to parenting. Just because you gave your children rice cereal at two weeks old and you think that breastfeeding is gross, doesn't mean that I have to.
Yes, I do think that children should be involved in family get togethers and not shoved into another room with a TV in it because they're being too loud.
I could go on and on. I'll admit it. To you, this loving person in my life, I may seem like a complete retard. I shower my daughter with affection and love. I want to be with her as much as possible. I don't make her cry herself to sleep and never check on her. Yes I do worry that you will spank her even though you are not her parent.
But, your opinion doesn't matter to me.
When my daughter looks and me with her big, hazel eyes, and says "Momma!" It's all the reassurance that I need.
And by the way, my husband thinks I'm pretty awesome, too.
~If you're a mom, struggling with a demanding "voice" in your life, please comment...~
While I'll admit that I have given parental advice without being asked, I can tell you that it wasn't obnoxious and overbearing.
Today, I am complaining and whining online about those who are close to me who had perfect children (supposedly) and who never needed advice or help with parenting.
Yes, I am breaking my silence.
Yes, I am creating a scene...somewhat.
I am tired of hearing how your son walked at 12 mos...
I am tired of hearing how your son was potty trained as soon as he was born (now, I'm just exaggerating, I'll admit it)
I know that my daughter isn't potty trained yet.
I know that I let her walk on our sectional sofa.
I know that I let her play with our coasters.
I know that she loves to play with toys on the furniture.
I have taught her to not touch the electric outlets (even though I have cover on them)
I have taught her to be lovey dovey (and on purpose)
No, I hate the outfit you bought her, even though I pretend to love it. (she looks like an eighties exerciser in it)
No, I don't plan on potty training her until she's ready.
No, I won't stop her from handing tools to her daddy to pretend that she's "helping".
Yes, I do think that books are grand.
Yes, I do think that leaving a baby alone with a bottle in it's mouth isn't good parenting. (occasionally required, but not EVERY TIME)
Yes, I do let my daughter drink from a cup even though I know that she'll make a mess.
Yes, I do give my daughter attention when she needs it, even if it means getting off the phone from talking to you.
Yes, I do read baby books and research parenting online.
No, I am not willing to have a "stick my head in the sand" approach to parenting. Just because you gave your children rice cereal at two weeks old and you think that breastfeeding is gross, doesn't mean that I have to.
Yes, I do think that children should be involved in family get togethers and not shoved into another room with a TV in it because they're being too loud.
I could go on and on. I'll admit it. To you, this loving person in my life, I may seem like a complete retard. I shower my daughter with affection and love. I want to be with her as much as possible. I don't make her cry herself to sleep and never check on her. Yes I do worry that you will spank her even though you are not her parent.
But, your opinion doesn't matter to me.
When my daughter looks and me with her big, hazel eyes, and says "Momma!" It's all the reassurance that I need.
And by the way, my husband thinks I'm pretty awesome, too.
~If you're a mom, struggling with a demanding "voice" in your life, please comment...~
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